it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
