btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
