I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
