life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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