Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
