I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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