There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
