You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
