I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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