please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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