come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think pants incapable of making pants work
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
