When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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