I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
