just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
