I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
