I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.