maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
