In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
