Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
