i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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