My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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