Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
