Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
