her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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