I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize