1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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