I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
