it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
