I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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