I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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