Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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