Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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