She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
