Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize