At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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