dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
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