I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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