what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
