I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
