Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
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There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You ate ashes out of my bong
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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