Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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