This is not my ceiling
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
