There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I AM VODKA MAN
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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