So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
try to milk me bitch
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
