My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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