Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
