Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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