Don't make out with my wife yet
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
