I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads