His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.