I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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