i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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