You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
