If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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