I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
