I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
