I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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