Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
