Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
