Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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