some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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