I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
