So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
