i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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