you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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