She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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