I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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