Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
