No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
