I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
