Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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